Not Giving Up
by Leaonna
Summary: The Host: An Ian/Wanda oneshot - Wanda takes a walk with Ian, which helps fuel the process of sorting out her feelings.


**Title**: Not Giving Up

**Author**: Leaonna

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing having to do with The Host...therefore the characters, over-all plot etc., all belong to the talented Stephenie Meyer.

--

I sighed as I stood and wiped the sweat off of my brow, stretching out my legs that were sore from crouching. For the third day in a row we were planting the eastern field, and Jeb had finally yelled that it was time to take a break. Most of the others chattered as they grabbed water, while some made their way down the tunnel that lead to the kitchen. By the way the sun reflected so brightly in the cave, I guessed that it was around lunch time.

I was glad that my leg had finally healed to the point where I was able to walk on it again. I wanted to be in the fields, working with Jamie, Ian, and everyone else. Melanie wanted to be there too, looking for Jared, and her desires were shared by me. Both Ian and Jared had insisted that I stay and rest this morning, as I had worked both the of the previous days and they worried that I was pushing myself too hard. But I refused adamantly. I was tired of being useless. After countless attempts at trying to persuade me, they finally gave up. Now Ian was hurrying back with water for himself, me, and Jamie, who now stood beside me.

"Thanks, Ian," Jamie said after he downed his bottle in one gulp. I smiled warmly at Ian as he handed me a bottle, then opened his and drank deeply. It had been nearly two weeks since our strained conversation and his unsubtle confession about his feelings for me. Yet we reacted very much the same around each other, almost as if it hadn't happened. I figured that he was giving me time to think and sort out what I felt, and for that I was grateful. It was hard with Melanie in our head, interrupting me every time I thought about him. She would always keep Jared fresh in my mind; the soft sound of his voice, the feel of his skin, the way his eyes crinkled at the outer edges when he grinned at her...

I blinked and brought myself out of my reverie. Somewhere inside, Melanie scoffed, irritated. She was happy when I was thinking about Jared rather than Ian, but it was a double-edged sword; she also grew angry and jealous at the manner in which I thought about Jared.

_It's your own fault, you know_, I internally reminded her. The answering silence was more than enough to tell me that I was right.

Ian turned to me after returning his plain gray shirt to his bare back. "Are you hungry, Wanda?" he asked me, his piercing blue eyes bright from the exercise that the planting brought.

I was contemplative for a moment before answering. "Not really," I said. "I'm still full from breakfast."

"What about you, kid?" he asked Jamie

"Starved." Jamie replied with a grin. I couldn't help but smile myself, knowing how much the boy ate at meal times, especially now when there were perishables that needed to be eaten quickly and in large helpings.

"Well, I'm not all that hungry right now, either." Ian shrugged. "Why don't you go and get yourself some food while we have a break?"

Jamie looked to me for approval, and I of course nodded my head. "Go on. I'll be fine with Ian."

Jamie grinned and turned towards the kitchen, running to catch up with Wes and Lily.

The smile on my face was still intact as I turned to Ian. He watched me with speculative eyes and I felt my smile fade a little.

He reached to gently push my hair out of my face. I held my breath at his casual and familiar touch. "You look so tired." He said tenderly, worry conveyed in every note of his voice. "Is your leg bothering you?"

He dipped his head lower to examine the way I gingerly kept my weight off of my bad leg. It did hurt a little from the cramped position that it was in all morning, but I didn't want to complain. "No," I lied. "My leg is perfect. I just don't want to push my luck." I smiled to reassure him and that seemed to put him at ease. He took my hand into his.

"Then would you be up for a little walk with me?" he asked politely. As if I could say no to him.

_Hmmm... _Melanie said.

_What? _I replied. I was surprised that her silence was broken.

_Nothing. _She murmured, and went back to giving me the silent treatment.

_All right... _I said warily, wondering what she meant.

I was brought to the present when I noticed where we were walking. Ian was leading me slowly toward one of the more deserted tunnels.

_He wants to take a walk. _Melanie grumbled. I could almost hear the quotation marks.

_Shhh! _I scolded, though I became curious. If Ian didn't just want to go for a walk, what did he want? Melanie knew before me, and I could feel that she wasn't extremely happy at the moment. I could guess at what he wanted just by her reaction.

"So, I was wondering..." Ian began quietly after a few moments.

"Yes?" I prompted, trying to hide the interest in my voice.

"Well, I wanted to know if you had given any more thought to...what we talked about a few weeks ago."

I thought quietly for a moment as we kept our slow pace, knowing exactly what he meant and surprised that Melanie hadn't butt in yet. Once we reached the mouth of the tunnel, I stopped and turned to face him. I knew that no one could see us. It was darker here, but the bright light from the field illuminated our features. Burning curiosity was etched into every line of his face, and his eyes were a little bit too hopeful.

The truth was that I _had_ thought about Ian and what he had said; a lot more than Melanie would have liked me to. Sometimes when I couldn't help it, I would put up a wall and try blocking her out for the moment. It wasn't as effective as I would have hoped, but it was at least some kind of privacy while I tried to sort out the confusion of what I felt. In these moments I would think about how he always makes me feel safe, the easy way his hand finds mine and how I thrill to the feel of his palm in my fingers...or the lines of deep blue in his eyes that makes them look like cracked ice, the perfect shape of his lips as he smiles and says my name, and the way his sweat defines the lean muscles of his back as he works the field soil...

Melanie clicked her tongue at me, and I felt our face grow hot, blushing at the recollection of my thoughts. I hoped that Ian wouldn't be able to tell, but it was apparently more light in the tunnel than I had originally thought. His mouth curved up into a sly smile as he took in my countenance, and my stomach flopped. I blushed a deeper shade of red, ducking my head lower so he could no longer see.

"I'll take that as a 'yes', then. Sorry, Melanie." He said smugly, not sounding sorry at all.

_Make him go away_. Melanie groaned, but I ignored her.

Ian lifted his hand to my chin and raised my face so that I could look at him.

"Can't you tell me?" he asked softly, pleading with his eyes. It was very difficult for me to turn away when he looked at me like that. I had never noticed until now that he always looked at me this way. It was almost as if he were looking through Melanie's body, looking right at _me_.

_Well, your eyes __**are**__ the window to your soul. _Melanie thought ruefully. The human expression hit a little too close to home in this case. But again I ignored her. It was becoming easier every second I was with Ian.

"Ian..." I began, my voice weak with nervousness. "I still don't know what to say."

"Say what _you _feel. I know you share a body with her, but you are yourself, after all." He added the last in a quiet voice, almost as if it were to himself.

I nodded slightly, my movement restrained by his hand that still held my chin, but I was unable to speak. What would I say, anyway? That I love Jared with every cell of my body...Melanie's body? That I love Jared, but I don't know what kind of love it is yet?

Ian took in my silence for a long moment while I thought, and I noticed his eyes changed from the soft and curious expression they held before. It was replaced by a sudden seriousness that looked foreign on his face. I don't know why, but it upset me that I may have caused the change with my internal struggle and reluctance to answer him.

It was then that I realized his face was inches away from mine, and his breath was sweet and warm on my skin. His lips parted slightly as his eyes flickered to mine and then back to my bewildered eyes. I didn't even need to hear Melanie's sudden outburst of rage to realize what was going on. I knew what was going to happen now, and yet I couldn't bring myself to stop it. In fact, I found myself anticipating it, which was followed by a wave of guilt. Melanie fumed somewhere in our head.

He closed the gap between us and pressed his lips softly against mine. I felt his other hand come to the other side of my face to gently bring me closer to him. Everything in my body screamed in protest, but nothing else beyond that happened. Then I came to realize that I didn't want him to stop. An internal gasp sounded in my head and I couldn't tell if it was me or Melanie. I raised my hands and grasped onto his arms, holding myself up; my legs were starting to get weak and I didn't know if it was from exhaustion or the kiss I was receiving. Ian took this as an invitation to continue, and his lips moved with more force against mine.

Slowly, torturously, he slid his left hand from the side of my face to the small of my back, melding me closer to his body. He lifted the light fabric at the back of my shirt to draw circles on my bare skin. And I wasn't overwhelmed by the contact. I was perfect...the beginning of something that I had yet to realize had started. Everywhere he touched me seemed to tingle. My breath hitched and I shuddered at the sensation as he held me closer. I felt him smile against my lips at my reaction. Melanie stopped fuming and became desperate to make me stop.

_Please_... She pled. Her voice sounded defeated. _This isn't right. It isn't Jared_.

I frowned. Mel was right. It wasn't fair and it wasn't Jared...I shouldn't be doing this.

I unwillingly slowed the kiss, breaking away from Ian's lips.

"Ian..." I breathed, stopping short and wondering what I would say. His chest rose and fell rapidly with his labored breathing, and it was like his eyes were lit up from inside with excitement. But when he saw my frown, confusion and worry replaced the excitement.

"What's the matter?" he asked huskily, holding my face gently in his hands, and his eyebrows knit into a frown of their own.

I averted my eyes as I blundered a reply. "Ian, we shouldn't. I'm still confused...It isn't-I just can't..." I knew my voice and my response was weak, but I also knew that he of all people would understand. He always understood me.

"Shh, hey, it's alright," he said softly, drawing me into an embrace. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." I could feel his breath on my neck, and it sent shivers down my spine. I was a little disappointed when he pulled from me and held my face in his hands again. "I just couldn't help myself." he added, a sheepish smile playing on his lips.

I could feel my own face relaxing. I took a deep breath before I continued, steadying myself. "No, it's okay. It's just that I still need...some time. It's not fair to Mel." I was going to add that it also wasn't fair to Jared, but I decided to leave him out of this at the moment.

He nodded his head slowly. "It must be difficult...feeling so torn," he mused softly. "I can't even begin to imagine." Then he rested his forehead against mine and did that thing with his eyes that made my knees go weak. It was suddenly hard to breathe properly. "But I'm not giving up on you," he continued, his voice rough with emotion. "I stand by my opinion that you deserve a life of your own, and I'll make sure that you get that chance, Wanda."

I was too shocked to speak. He gently kissed my forehead, the gesture absent of his fervent emotion, and looked at me for a long moment before he released me and turned to walk quickly back to the field. I stared after him, knowing full well that my mouth was hanging open, aghast from the exchange that just took place.

After a few minutes, I collected myself and thought about what Ian had said. Did I truly believe that I deserved a life of my own? Yes, of course, but not at the expense of Melanie, and not to hurt Jamie, Jared, and everyone else I had grown to care about. But what about Ian? I care about him too and hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do. The thought brought a whole new and more powerful pang of guilt as I pictured his fair face creased with hurt, his eyes burning with betrayal. In that instant, I knew that I couldn't hurt him, even if I tried, because I cared too much for him...probably more than I should.

_Agreed_, Melanie chimed in.

_But then what about that kiss? _I challenged her. _Why didn't you do anything to stop it?_

_Believe me, I tried. But I couldn't..._

I shook my head in frustration and walked towards the field, clear on some things, and more confused on others. My eyes, of their own accord, rested immediately on Jared, who had returned from the kitchen to get back to work. My heart skipped a beat and I fought the urge to run to him.

_Jared..._ Melanie sighed.

I then looked to Ian, who sat on the ground with Jamie, laughing and ruffling the boy's hair.

_What are we going to do? _I thought desperately.

_We? You're the one calling all the shots, now. _Melanie bitterly replied.

I heaved a heavy sigh and walked back to rejoin the others.


End file.
